In the midst of a complicated work or life situation, where someone is attacking you personally – how do you remain unscathed? How can you view the situation in such a way that it becomes survivable, manageable, and tolerable? How can you turn it around and understand what the situation says about them – and de-personalize the attack? How do you move on?

When you make the situation about the work at hand,  the problem that needs to be fixed, and it always becomes a personal attack – it’s about them. If the person can’t objectively provide you with feedback to help you improve or change the situation, it’s about them. If they berate you, belittle you, and place the blame from them to you, it’s about them.

What do you do?

1. Own what’s yours. Make a mistake? Claim it and fix it. Move on.

2. Provide correct information, stick to the facts – it’s not your opinion, here’s the source.

3. Put it in writing, keep it factual and enlist allies.

4. Create some distance. If you are on the receiving end of vicious behavior, it is useful to the person who is perpetrating the act. (They are mad at someone else, and instead they get to take it out on you.)

5. Don’t facilitate the behavior of the person that is creating chaos. Allow the natural consequences of the behavior to take place. (Get out of the way.)

6. Understand that people who resort to personal attacks usually don’t have anything else to say – and that they’ve done this before. They have a reputation and others know their modus operandi.

7. Know yourself, and know why you do what you do. Find self-reinforcing ways to keep your eye on the prize.

8. Make sure you have fun, take a mental break and keep this person from entering your thoughts when you’re not around them. Set mental boundaries.

9. Vent with a safe person, a therapist or a good friend.

10. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, but no one deserves relentless criticism, abuse or meanness.

People who perpetrate vicious behavior, or do nothing to stop others from treating you poorly have serious issues that you cannot change or fix. What they say and do has nothing to do with who you are and how you behave. If you feel you are in danger, take appropriate action to protect yourself. Otherwise, document the behavior, report it if necessary and on a daily basis protect your boundaries. Remind yourself that the mean, spiteful, hideous people you encounter in life are really the small people inside. And that anyone that small, can’t make you feel small at all.

Wendy Harpham is one of my heroes. She recently wrote a book called “Happiness in a Storm,” about dealing with illness and managing to carve out a normal life despite life’s abnormal obstacles. The book could be about facing any type of difficulty, not just illness, but Dr. Harpham is an expert on survivorship, as a lymphoma survivor who has dealt with recurrence several times. She had to leave her medical practice and redefine her life – because the cancer kept coming back. She’s a doctor that reminds doctors what it’s like to be a human being with cancer – she’s a person with a recurring condition that reminds us all that we can feel healthy even though we aren’t always 100% healthy. (We all have conditions we live with but we don’t consider ourselves sick.)

In the book, she talks about the bumblebee – and presents an interesting fact. Physicists have analyzed the aerodynamic potential of the bumblebee, and have concluded that it is impossible for the bumblebee to fly. Its tiny, long wings simply aren’t big enough to support its rather rotund body. This matter has caused a great deal of debate – how does the bumblebee fly, when science in fact has concluded that it is impossible?

More sophisticated analysis has shown that a bumblebee’s wings have a greater viscosity and movement like a helicopter, which allow it to fly – despite the odds, and initial appearances. So when you are faced with a situation that appears impossible, believe otherwise. Remember the bumblebee.

There is a way to give bad news, and live to tell the tale.

1. Find the upside, if there is one.

Something went wrong, it’s going to be fixed.  A disease has been diagnosed, but it can be treated. Some things don’t have an upside – but others do – and it helps to hear about it.

2. Say what you really need to say, and nothing more. (Throw out the laundry list.)

Don’t litigate the past; it’s not necessary to become bogged down in details. What’s the heart of the matter? What does the person need to hear from you? What is creating anxiety, fear or tension? State the truth and name the elephant in the room.

3. Keep it simple.

Long explanations tend to invite confusion and miscommunication. Shades of grey, feelings and points of view are ingredients that allow conversations to go off track. Say what you mean, simply and clearly.

4. Know when to stop talking, and then listen or leave.

Say what you need to say and then stop. Listen, take in feedback. The person receiving bad news often needs to hear it again. Repeat the information you’ve provided. Answer questions. End the conversation when this process becomes repetitive.

5. Understand how you want the conversation to go before you have it.  What’s the end game?

What does this person need from you at the end of the conversation? Can they feel satisfied? Calm? Walk away with information? Is anger or fear avoidable? What can you do to make it so? In many cases, how others respond to bad news is not under our control, and regardless of our best efforts, we have to understand that.

6. Remember it’s not about you.

Create a time and place to vent, deal with your own issues about the situation, and your frustration. Shake it off. How others deal with bad news has nothing to do with you and your place in the world.

What do you do?

1. Recognize that people in your life that love you have changes in their lives that have nothing to do with you. Understand this, and accept that you may have to adjust to these changes if you want to remain close to that person.

2. Accept that the person you love may not recognize they are not meeting your expectations, and may never meet them. They can only give what they can give, they can only be as introspective and empathetic as they are able. If you can accept what they are prepared to give, then you can continue to build a relationship with them.

3. Voice your concerns regarding “deal-breakers”. You don’t have to accept the short end of the stick just to maintain a relationship with this person all of the time. They have to understand your needs too.

4. Use your history with this person to understand your current relationship. There may be aspects of your relationship with this person that can help you understand or explain the changes that are occurring in your relationship – or not.

It may be the case that your loved one has different priorities, or a different circumstance that makes a relationship with them too difficult. How much you make yourself available depends on how much you are able to open yourself up to the chance that they can prioritize your relationship along with other aspects of their life.

You can hope they will because you love them, even if they have changed in some way.

than to anything on which it is poured.

Mark Twain

This is the most empowering information about anger that I have ever seen! First off, it emphasizes that dealing with anger in a healthy and positive way, rather than keeping it inside is important. Great news (kinda knew that part.)

Most importantly, have you ever been treated very badly by someone that has taken leave of their senses? They have no sense of how to treat another human being, or deal with their concerns in a respectful way without tearing you apart, so they destroy your very sense of person-hood? What this quote says is that no matter what, that destructive behavior destroys them much more than it will ever affect you. You will come out of it, stronger and more powerful, however difficult the experience.

What a liberating and optimistic way of thinking about the behavior of people whom you cannot control but must abide, at least for a time.

(Of course, I am not talking about any situation where someone is being physically, emotionally or sexually abused, these situations should never be tolerated and the person being hurt should find help immediately.)

Filed under: Everyday Optimism Tagged: Everyday Optimism, Living in the Present, Optimism on the Job, Relationships ]]> http://melinrogovin.wordpress.com/2010/07/25/the-fierce-optimists-guide-to-anger/feed/ 0 melinrogovin http://melinrogovin.wordpress.com/2010/07/05/fierce-friendships/ http://melinrogovin.wordpress.com/2010/07/05/fierce-friendships/#comments Mon, 05 Jul 2010 04:55:11 +0000 Michelle http://melinrogovin.wordpress.com/?p=194 ]]> What do you do when you lose faith in friends? When you lose trust? When you lose optimism?

It happens.

I’d like to be the kind of person that says “cancer is a big deal” and an occasional misunderstanding between friends, or coworkers, isn’t. I’d like to be the kind of person that has it all figured out – that I have everything in perspective, and the little things don’t bother me. I’d like to say that it all rolls off my back, I don’t let it get to me.

But what if the little things aren’t so little? What then? What if it does get to me? I’m only human.

I think a fierce optimist doesn’t let things fester. Get to the point, deal with it and be honest. If you can handle it, great.

I have a colleague at work who has treated me like her secretary. So I put my foot down. Nuff of that. Had a friend who agreed to do something and went back on her word. Addressed it. You said this, didn’t do it. No excuses, live with it.

And I learn. I learn how strong I am. I learn that I can say straight out, I have boundaries. We had an agreement. And there are consequences. And that trust is important and needs to be earned, and maintained. I don’t have to pull back from everyone in the world because one person did something I didn’t like. But I can learn how to interact with the world in an open and honest way.

I can be honest – and state my expectations for honesty – which is optimistic and hopeful. And when something happens that doesn’t meet those expectations, there are consequences. Which is the fierce part. I can be strong and optimistic – hopeful and fierce. And I feel protected.

When facing a conflict, a difficult situation or a hard choice, it means to choose the option that will allow everyone involved to save face, even if you do not get to express everything you’d like regarding the situation. It’s a way to recognize that the world is a very small place, and in many circumstances, we meet each other again and again, and except for the most egregious and illegal acts, its best to allow each individual to maintain their dignity and self respect in these situations. It also helps to depersonalize a situation when it could feel very personal or overwhelming.

Taking the high road can often mean letting go of the need to be acknowledged as being “right.”

What everyone receives, however, can be more rewarding, when it is done correctly. A sense of closure, a feeling of belonging, an opportunity to have their needs met. There are times when consensus and closure are more valuable than being right and emerging victorious.

Taking the high road also means that one acknowledges what everyone else involved is capable of contributing to the situation – recognizing that no matter what you do, some things will just never change. You can bang your head against a wall, rail against the injustice and the frustration, but in the end, it’s all going to fall on deaf ears.

It’s about what you can accomplish – and ultimately what you want to gain, given that in life, there are seldom “winners” and “losers” in human interactions. Sometimes giving a lot – more than you ever intended – has unintended consequences that you could never begin to understand at the time but works out in your favor in the end.

While it sure feels good to stick it to someone who’s got your goat – there are two things that usually result. First, it never quite feels as good as you think it should. And second, it always has unintended consequences. This is because we can never truly be certain of someone else’s motivations toward us, and when we assume they mean to act a certain way and respond based on those assumptions, things can go haywire. I’ve just recently witnessed this in my professional life with a member of my staff and it is not pretty!

It’s even more important to take the high road at home.

Our families deserve this consideration (except when considering the most egregious and illegal acts!) even more so than those we encounter on a daily basis. Taking the high road – letting go of the need to be right and finding a way for everyone to have their needs met is a gift we give those we love. It is a lot of work. But an effort worth making.

However, it is possible to contribute and become a valued part of a team in a work environment even when facing an irascible boss, bureaucratic rules from the stone age, and large complex team environments where no one really understands what it is you do in the first place.

The Fierce Optimist’s Guide to the Workplace

1. Don’t take anything personally. Not the good, not the bad. Set your own standards and do your very best to meet and exceed them and you’ll know you’re doing a good job if you’ve done that.

2. Accept and work from your strengths and weaknesses. Demonstrate value in every case. Don’t have an MBA? So what, if you have the same skills, show ‘em. You bring a unique set of skills to the table that no other person has. Need to develop your skill set, do it and come back better than ever. Remain in a continuous learning mode.

3. Be who you are, genuine and honest. It takes a wide variety of people with a variety of talents and interpersonal skills to make an organization successful. Understand yourself and then understand how to work best with others who are like you, and others who are different than you. (Introverted? Learn how to work with extroverts. Data-driven? Learn how to work with intuitive-types.) No one type is better than the other.

4. Understand that everyone you work with can help you, they may not know how. Especially in big bureaucratic organizations, it’s common to hear “we don’t do that” or “that’s not our policy” or “that’s not my job.” That’s a sign that the person you’re working with doesn’t know enough about what you’re trying to accomplish and how they can be the hero of the day. It’s NOT a sign that they are a jerk and don’t want to be helpful. It’s your job to give them more information to know what they can do for you.

5. Possess a strong moral compass. I’ve never written or read a job description that includes the function “make so-and-so happy.” We are often asked to make or carry out decisions that some people don’t like. In other cases, we may discover errors or information that, when brought to light, will make our colleagues angry and frustrated. (See #1.) Possessing a strong moral compass means that you not only know what is right and carry that out, but that a moral compass guides your interaction with colleagues who provide you with direction at work. You are guided each day by a compass that allows you to act consistently and with integrity in all that you do.

6. Do the very best job you can. Some days are better than others. Most days you’ll be very successful. Be the best you can possibly be.

7. Help others do the very best job they can do. The extent you provide help and service to your colleagues through communication, teamwork and collegiality is the extent they will provide you with the same regard. Consider it a bank account. Make many deposits. Earn interest.

8. Anticipate. Keep ahead of the curve with the work, your boss’s expectations and communications with your team. The extent to which you can communicate and prepare your team for things coming down the pike ahead of everyone else, you will be more effective and reduce the impact of bureaucracy and last minute headaches.

9. Communicate. Find out how people on your team prefer to receive information, and how they perceive the information they receive. Do not rely on one form of communication to keep in touch with teams and bosses – ensure that everyone hears, reads and sees information from you on a regular basis.

10. Take time off. Life is not work. Work is not life. Know the difference.

Two of the most powerful words in any language. Thank you. The optimist knows that if you pay attention, it puts you in a grateful state of mind. And if you choose to acknowledge the gifts of others – be they small gestures or large acts, you give yourself the opportunity to receive greater gifts. You just feel good. And the person who has done something they may do every day but has otherwise gone unnoticed, is noticed by you.

When you acknowledge that someone has taken time to help you in your work, has kept your building safe, has taken you safely to your destination, you are interacting with others as your equal. We are served and receive service from others dozens of times a day – every time you walk into a building, pick up a phone, talk to someone – that person is considering your needs and your requests. You are also doing the same for others.

An optimist understands that every interaction like this is an opportunity for appreciation that not only expresses thanks, but accomplishes more. A powerful thank you is a genuine and thoughtful effort.

10 Powerful Thoughts About Saying Thank You

1. Thank the person specifically for the way in which they have impacted your day (or your life) or have performed their work.

2. Call them by name, and if it is warranted, involve their supervisor or someone important to them.

3. Document their effort, by writing a letter, or a thank you note to them or their boss.

4. Remember who they are, greet them if you see them each day and remind them why they are special to you.

5. Thank people often. Find reasons to thank people every day.

6. Thank people for doing their jobs – people who don’t receive thank you’s – the cleaning staff, the taxi driver, the receptionist. Being remembered and feeling part of the team is a BIG thank you.

7. Thank your partner for doing the little things he or she is supposed to do, like bill paying or laundry. Say thank you. It’s nice that it gets done and you don’t have to do it.

8. Thank people you love for being in your life, for loving you, warts and all.

9. Thank your children for being who they are, fascinating and thoughtful little creatures.

10. The more you express your gratitude for others, the more gratitude they will show to you in return.

Easy is right.
Begin right and you are easy.
Continue easy and you are right.
The right way to go easy is to forget
the right way and to forget
that the going is easy.
Chuang Tzu

As an optimist, I see the hope in the hard road. There is hope in the unknown, in the door that has yet to be opened. The easy, predictable path is already written. The white picket fence is already built. The grass is already cut 3/4″ high. The movie ends just so. Easy is nice, neat and cannot be influenced. It cannot be made better. It is predictable and predetermined. Life is not like that.

This is my favorite quote, because it reminds me that when life is not perfect, that it is supposed to be that way. And that in all cases, I have the reins. It is very easy to compare one’s life to someone else’s and think about how lucky they are.

I remember back in college when I was working several jobs to pay for my college tuition, including one as a resident advisor. Students in my dorm had parents who would pay their full tuition, buy them BMWs, luxury vacations, all the clothes and items that anyone could ever ask for or ever need. These students would have average grades, wreck their cars, stay out all night partying and drinking, while I would barely find time to study while working so many jobs and just getting by, paying my bills. Boy, did I ever wish my life was easier.

And then in my sophomore year of college I earned a really incredible scholarship that allowed me to quit working as much. That was the scholarship that stood out when I applied to graduate schools and gave me the choice between two top-tier Universities – which sent me acceptance letters on the same day. The one I chose led me to the job during grad school that introduced me to the man of my dreams, who is my loving husband of 12 years.

Turns out that every decision I made, every turn my life took, wasn’t easy or hard. It was the necessary path for me to travel to arrive at the place I am today. And it is better than the perfect house with the white picket fence in the perfect neighborhood.